So David Beckham is to be awarded a knighthood in the King's Birthday Honours next week, while his pouting, frock-designer wife is to become 'Lady Beckham'.
Have the royals learned nothing? Does Charles really think this squeaky-voiced multi-millionaire and famous alleged tax-avoider is genuinely worthy of such an award?
It's a red card from me. Goldenballs might have had some use on the pitch - but he's spent the long years since he hung up his boots making as much money as possible from one brand endorsement after the other.
Let's look more closely at 'Sir' David's call sheet. We'll skate over the fact he was denied a knighthood in 2014 by the last Queen after 'probity checks' linking him to an alleged tax-avoidance scheme.
In leaked emails (which his representatives claimed may have been 'doctored') the potty-mouthed player called Her Majesty's honours committee 'a bunch of cs' and added: 'Unless it's a knighthood, f off.'
Good-looking in his youth - and today, after half a century, expensively maintained with an increasingly frozen expression - Sir Becks has made a £500million fortune promoting not his country but himself. And as for the idea of his tone-deaf, sharp-elbowed wife becoming Lady Posh! I suppose at least it's not Geri Halliwell.
It all just reeks of patronage - an ugly, out-of-touch system that has no place in modern Britain. Honours aren't due to men like Sir Dave - who won no major honours with England, unlike 1966 hero Sir Geoff Hurst - they belong to war veterans, grieving parents campaigning on important issues such as knife crime, and others who've shown a true sense of service to the country.
My message to King Charles? Stop dishing out gongs to pampered self-promoters. Your real job should be trying to hold your increasingly fractured country together.
What an own goal for the King. I bet he comes to regret it.
The original Hermes Birkin bag owned by Jane Birkin is to be sold at auction and I'm sure it will go for millions. Given the actress died two years ago and her accessory now looks pretty battered, what saddo would want to pay such a price for a dead woman's handbag?
Meghan's a twerk
When Meghan 'You Know I'm Sussex Now?' Markle posted her latest video - twerking in the maternity room before giving birth to Lilibet - I realised there is method in her madness.
After her With Love, Meghan show was derided and with her As Ever range seemingly in chaos, now everyone is talking about her again.
What next, a video of Lilibet's birth? Although I'm sure the baby's face would be pixellated to protect her privacy.
That's a Rash fashion statement
Marcus Rashford cut a ridiculous figure sunning himself in Saint-Tropez in an outfit worth £340,000 while his teammates were training in Spain ahead of England’s clash with Andorra.
To think this overrated player, now being loaned from one club to another, used to be a hero.
Liam Gallagher is in court fighting a demand from Liza Ghorbani, 51, with whom he had a brief fling over a decade ago, to increase her yearly maintenance to almost £500,000 a year - including £100,000 for a live-in nanny.
His lawyers say she's trying to cash in on his upcoming Oasis world tour - expected to coin millions - while her lawyers insist she needs the money to care for their autistic daughter Gemma, 12, whom Liam has never met. Since the chances of Gemma ever meeting her dad probably diminish with every one of Mum's extravagant demands, in years to come, it'll be Gemma crying her heart out.
It appears Coldplay's Chris Martin, 48, and actress Dakota Johnson's eight-year relationship ended because he wanted children with her and she didn't. What a pity - and she may come to regret it. Now 35, she'd be classified as 'advanced maternal age'.
Dakota, soon enough, even the best fertility clinic on Earth won't be able to fix you.
Abbey ever after
Gorgeous lingerie model Abbey Clancy says she and her ex-footballer hubby Peter Crouch want to leave their metropolitan life, up sticks with their four kids and become farmers surrounded by donkeys and goats.
A good decision - and a perfect fit, as Abbey’s been living with a loveable donkey since she married the 6ft 7in Crouch in 2011.
Justice system failure
It's the moment we lose all faith in the justice system. A 12-year-old girl is spared jail after she 'egged on' her male friend, 15, as he beat frail 80-year-old Bhim Kohli so badly he died from his injuries. The vile teen got just seven years. These monsters should be put away for life.
Westminster Wars
The PM says he is 'angry' as a record 1,000 illegal aliens arrived on a single day, with 50,000 forecast to cross the Channel this year.
Not half as angry as the Red Wall voters who in their millions gave Starmer a stonking majority and now realise he has neither the will nor the wit to stop the boats.
Meanwhile, Starmer pledges to get the country 'battle ready' given that Britain now faces 'multiple, direct threats' to its security.
What a horrific thought: Keir Starmer our latter-day Churchill trying to fight them on the beaches, when he can't even protect our shores from boatloads of illegals.
Brenda the buzzard, with a wingspan of more than 3ft, is terrorising children at a London primary school, with teachers telling kids they can't venture outside.
As we schoolgirls were told back in Oz when a monster magpie swooped on us walking home, the birds are just looking for human hair to build nests - so we were given Second World War tin helmets. They are available online for £20: cheap at the price for the pupils of Dame Tipping primary.
A survey says dads are not as good as mums showing their love - and that instead they fix things, lend you money and make occasional cups of tea to show their affection. Not so in the Platell household.
My dad taught me how to drive, how to see off a frisky suitor with one sucker punch and, as a seasoned journalist, reminded me never to get above myself. Even now, I can hear him saying: ‘Mandy, you’re not bloody Hemingway, just write it!’ Now that’s real love.
Is this Blake's endgame?
In the bitter legal battle between It Ends With Us actress Blake Lively and her co-star Justin Baldoni, now she has dropped two lurid claims of 'emotional distress' after his lawyers demanded to see her medical records - soon after she was reportedly dumped by ex-bestie Taylor Swift.
As Blake's legal battle drags on, one gets the feeling her career is going to 'end' with it too.