Dear Eric: I am planning a getaway with my best friend from grade school. We live in different parts of the United States but keep in touch and see each other when we can. We want to celebrate each of us turning 60 this year by going to a Caribbean destination for a few days. My husband of more than 30 years is not a beach person, so he's glad to be off the hook for a vacation like this.
He is supportive of the trip, but not the destination. He is concerned about my safety traveling to a foreign destination, and this is compounded by the fact that he does not know my friend (read: he doesn't know if he can trust her). He trusts me but is still not on board. He said he would feel better if we were staying in the States.
I respect and appreciate my husband's concerns, but it is tempering my excitement for this trip. My friend and I are not reckless, and we would never do anything to compromise our safety. I've read up on our destination, and all my resources say it's safe to travel there, but one should take the usual precautions -- don't travel to isolated areas, lock up valuables, etc.
How can I move forward with this trip of a lifetime knowing my husband is not in favor?
-- Destination Consternation
With all due respect to your husband, his anxiety doesn't supersede your research. You've read up on the location, you're well-versed in smart travel safety practices, and you've known your friend for more than 40 years. Meanwhile, your husband hasn't familiarized himself with the area of the Caribbean to which you're going, and he hasn't tried to get to know your friend. So, he's not setting himself up for success. But his fear is not your reality.
It'll be helpful for you to set an internal boundary between your actions and your husband's concerns. You can send him information about where you're staying, the government's recommendations for travelers and your planned itinerary. You can set up a communication plan with him -- perhaps checking in every day or even sharing your location with him if you have a smartphone. You can even suggest a phone call or Zoom between him and your friend. Any of these options might give him a new perspective. But, ultimately, it's his responsibility to manage his feelings about your trip. Travel is a privilege and can be a great joy. I hope that you're able to focus on the gift you're giving yourself and fully appreciate all the beauty and wonder that your tropical destination has in store for you.
Dear Eric: Two of my friends are planning a girls trip that I do not want to be involved with. They are planning it for when I am off of work so I can't say no.
Although we have been friends for more than 30 years, I recently discovered that these women shared very different political beliefs and morals than I do, which wouldn't normally be a problem. However, when they drink, hatred and lies spew from their lips. It makes me very uncomfortable, and I don't want to be around them.
Part of the reason for this trip is to bring some fun to one of the women, who recently lost her husband to a terminal illness. As much as I want to take care of her and show my support, I don't think I can tolerate spending an entire weekend halfway across the country with these friends.
How can I get out of this girls trip without causing a rift? Neither of the women know my political beliefs, and I'm afraid that if I ask them to avoid talking politics, they will then understand that I disagree and try to convince me to think like they do.
-- Keeping Politics Out of It
I'm going to take a somewhat hard line on this. If you can't stand behind what you believe, especially in the face of what you describe as hatred, what's the point of believing it?
It's one thing to not want to get into it with friends. Not every conversation needs to be a debate. But if you can't ask for what you need -- and if they can't love you enough to give it to you by changing the subject -- it's hard to see how this friendship moves forward.