We asked readers to channel their inner Carolyn Hax and answer this question. Some of the best responses are below.
Dear Carolyn: I'm a straight man, and I've known my closest friend, a straight woman, for the past two years. We started off as fellow regulars in some neighborhood groups, became friends, and we flirted with becoming more about a year ago. However, eventually we settled into a close platonic friendship.
Not that there's an offer on the table, but I have reasons I don't think we should go out. She doesn't want kids and I do is the easiest reason to never try to convince myself otherwise. She also drinks more than I think is healthy and has a history of infidelity (nothing while I've known her). And she has some strange emotional habits. I hope she can get it together for a relationship, but it would be a leap of faith to be her test case!
Nevertheless, she's been a consistent source of fun and hilarity, community-making and weird, delightful conversations. Lately, she's been the person I've talked to about a health scare, when I have an extra ticket for things, etc. I brought her soup and flowers when she was sick. You get the idea.
I'm wondering if I'm filling up space that should be taken up by an actual relationship? I'm in my mid-30s, and would love to settle down and have kids. I don't want to look back at this period and realize I missed my chance at forming a family by settling into an asexual friendship. But now, I'd be lonely without her. I'm broadly happy as it is, and I don't want to "break up" with her.
Last year, I had a relationship that didn't work out -- I feel confident I evaluated it on its own terms, to be clear. More recently, I've had a couple of dating disappointments. It feels like the dating world has been one disappointment after another, and this friendship has been a surprising, consistent delight. What are your thoughts?
-- Too Friendly
Too Friendly: The most valuable mantra I found when dating was, "I am finite." My time is finite. My energy is finite. Budget your resources to align with your goals. It doesn't have to be either/or, but if your goals aren't to settle into a relationship with this friend, then investing your resources so fully into this friendship may well be causing you to miss other opportunities.
-- Just Budget It
Too Friendly: As a straight woman, I would look pretty favorably upon a man who knows how to be a good friend to a man or a woman, and who lives his life fully instead of sitting around waiting for a marriage and kids to fall into his lap. Plus, the fact that you're not deluding yourself into thinking that somehow your friend will want kids one day or that you can get over wanting them? Chef’s kiss.
-- Other Side
Too Friendly: How about asking your friend to get involved in your search for a romantic partner? Her fun personality could make the process easier. Show her the ones who make you want to swipe right. Ask for her input on your date outfits and locations. In other words, have her put her hilarious energy into your potential dating life. That’s what friends are for!
-- Leah
Too Friendly: It seems like you're still trying to convince yourself that a romantic relationship that isn't going to happen really isn't going to happen, so the first step is to move past that. It's hard to commit to someone else romantically when you're still mentally playing "will we, won't we" with someone you know is a "won't."
You're friends! I realize it may feel different because you are a straight man and she is a woman, but this sort of emotional connection is how a lot of friendships feel. I tell my friends about my health scares. I invite them to things when I have extra tickets, because I like them and want to spend time with them.
People have both a spouse and close friends all the time, and I think what is most important there is to figure out how to move your friend in your brain from "could have been if things were different" to "friend." Once she's no longer "could have been," then she stops being a mental alternative or competition and becomes an ally in working toward your goal of finding a spouse.
-- You Really Can Have Both
Too Friendly: As the former platonic friend, I would say be careful. My great guy friend found a girlfriend while we were in a very platonic relationship, and he dropped me. He found everything I had to offer him, plus romance, in another person. I felt very much like I had been a placeholder for him while he was waiting for someone else to come along. I don't feel like his friendship wasted my time, but I do feel used.
I didn't see him as a person to hang out with until I found someone else, but it's looking like that's kind of how you see your friend. Is that fair to her?
-- It Happened To Me
Too Friendly: I've found my two-year, close platonic friendship with a neighbor and colleague helps rather than hinders my dating life. Why? When we are lonely we are less attractive to potential romantic partners and also perhaps a bit less selective in who we date. It doesn't seem your friendship has impeded you from dating, as you reference dating relationships that have occurred during this friendship.
My friend and I share a lot of laughs, have similar interests and tastes,but for several reasons,we would never be good life partners.And it's a blessing to have friendship at all stages of life,especially while we are single.I hope you enjoy this friendship for all it offers.
-- Blessing
Every week, we ask readers to answer a question submitted to Carolyn Hax's live chat or email.