Q: I'm dreading the festive season as it means spending time with my husband. I used to enjoy his company, but these days he barely seems to notice me. He's wedded to his phone, either obsessively watching the news or engrossed in work emails - even playing games.
I wondered if he was having an affair and secretly sexting another woman. However, I know his phone password so I checked his messages and could find no evidence. Please don't tell me I was wrong to do this - I needed to know why he seems uninterested in me.
We hardly ever have sex. When I try to talk to him about his phone addiction, he says I'm trying to control him. His parents are coming to stay for three nights over Christmas and we will be forced to be jolly for their sake as well as the children's, but I just don't feel a connection with him any more.
A: Sadly, the behaviour of your husband does suggest smartphone addiction - especially his anger when you tell him how much it bothers you.
First, it's important to understand the possible causes. Phone addiction can be symptomatic of other problems such as stress, loneliness, anxiety and depression. Heavy smartphone use will, of course, exacerbate these issues because it cuts off real-life connection, which in turn increases anxiety and depression. But the question is whether your relationship has declined because of his unavailability or whether there has been a gradual lack of connection resulting in him withdrawing. Perhaps there was too much stress in the early years of child rearing, a major event such as a bereavement or pressure at work.
There are some positives: assuming that he gave you his phone password, it shows a level of trust. But looking at his phone without his permission reveals that communication between you is suffering. Ideally, you should tell him that you felt so anxious you looked at his phone, but right now this could make things worse. Perhaps after his parents have left, and once Christmas is over, you could talk to him. Explain calmly that you know he doesn't think there's a problem, but that it is an issue for you because you are lonely; that while you love him and want the marriage to continue, you feel your relationship is in danger unless things change.
Tell him you would like him to come to couples counselling to strengthen the relationship and address any underlying stress or anxiety. It may sound drastic but it's the reality and he needs to understand how disconnected from him you feel. Contact ITAA (internetaddictsanonymous.org) for advice on supporting those tackling an online addiction. BreakFree and Moment are apps that track and help reduce usage.
Q: This is the first Christmas following my mother-in-law's death. To be perfectly honest, I couldn't stand her. She never thought I was good enough for her daughter. I work in an altruistic profession, but for some reason my mother-in-law saw this as a failure because my earnings are modest. She always implied I was workshy or lacked ambition.
My wife, who was aware that her mother was hypercritical but downplayed the problem, has since turned her posthumously into a saint - forgetting how much she undermined me. She keeps saying how badly she will miss her mother and she and her siblings are planning a remembrance after Christmas lunch. I feel sick at the thought. I know there is nothing I can say but I feel quite angry and hurt by it all.
A: Of course your wife and her siblings must be allowed to grieve for their mother. For all her faults, she will have had good points, too, and been loved. From your longer letter, I can see that you understand this. But it's always difficult when there is a lack of honesty after death, where history is revised and an unkind person is recast as a wonderful human being.
Unfortunately, you will have to grit your teeth on Christmas Day but there are ways to make it less painful. I'm sure it has been helpful for you just to write it down, and it will help further to talk it through with someone who didn't know your mother-in-law. It is disappointing that your wife never acknowledged how hurtful her mother's behaviour was. Later, when her grief has settled more, this needs to be addressed as gently as possible in order for your marriage to thrive.