Former NRL star Jordan Kahu has opened up about his darkest days after his football career was over, the financial stress he was under and how he contemplated taking his own life.
Kahu, 33, who played 119 NRL matches with the Broncos and Cowboys, finished up his footy career in 2020 after battling ongoing injuries.
The talented New Zealand international set himself up as a videographer, but the COVID-19 pandemic put huge financial stress on his business - and the bills kept piling up.
Kahu burned through his savings trying to keep his young family afloat and didn't discuss what he was going through with his wife, Jess.
'I ate most of our savings up that year (2020) just trying to cover the bills,' Kahu told the Keegan and Company podcast.
'The following year, starting a business and trying to cover the same bills on nowhere near as much money as I was getting with footy, it got to a point where we had no savings left.'
Kahu revealed that the COVID-19 pandemic put significant financial strain on his family.
'I pretty much used all my retirement money in that one year just trying to stay afloat. We were so lucky my dad let us live with them for a couple of years...
'The hardest thing as a dad is you feel like a provider for the family, and I felt like I couldn't do that. And that was a really tough thing to go through.'
Things got so bad at one point that Kahu contemplated taking his own life.
'It took a huge toll,' he admitted while choking up with emotion.
'There were thoughts like "I've got my life insurance, will my kids still get that if I commit suicide?"'
Fighting back tears, Kahu took a moment to regather himself.
'Those were the thoughts that were going through my head,' he said.
The former footy star says his mental health improved once he started talking to his wife about the financial struggles they were dealing with.
He now goes out of his way to encourage others to talk about their own problems.
'I feel like when people get into those dark holes, that I've been in, you feel so lonely and you feel like no one understands... but there's so many people out there going through exactly the same thing...
'That weight off your shoulders after telling somebody your problems - you're not going to weight them down.'
If you are experiencing depression or mental health symptoms, help is available at:
- Lifeline - Crisis Chat and Crisis Text - alternatively call 131114 for this free, 24-hour Australia-wide crisis support and suicide prevention service.
- Beyond Blue - call 1300 224 636 for telephone support, information and resources for people dealing with depression or anxiety, or visit their website.