Unsurprisingly, parts of parenting can be really triggering to dads. But more and more fathers want to own and regulate their anger.
Every father recognizes the moment when exhaustion and stress collide with the harsh realities of parenting.
We were tired after the 15-hour flight from Melbourne to Los Angeles, and our accommodation wasn't ready when we landed at 7 a.m. To kill time, I took my 12-year-old twin sons to the LA Farmers Market and splurged on "waffleshots," hot chocolate served in chocolate-coated cake cones.
Charlie grabbed his eagerly, took one sip, then dropped the entire thing all over himself. I snapped. He started crying, and I instantly felt sick with myself. He was just as tired as I was, and I had completely overreacted.
That moment left me shaken. I wasn't angry about the drink. I was overwhelmed, exhausted and stressed, and those feelings spilled over. This pattern of overwhelm leading to anger is something therapist Bonnie Scott recognizes immediately in fathers.
"I think triggers for dads are the basic triggers for most folks, like feeling disrespected, ignored, taken for granted, or dismissed," Scott said. The difference for fathers is that these common frustrations get amplified by societal expectations. "I do think there's some extra sting in those experiences if they happen between dads and kids because there are stereotypes and assumptions about what it means to be a dad."
Like many fathers learning to manage their reactions, Justin Gurland, a licensed master social worker and founder of The Maze, knows this trigger intimately. "My biggest trigger as a dad is feeling like I'm not being listened to or respected, especially during those full-blown temper tantrum moments with my son. When emotions are running high and I'm trying to calmly explain something while he's melting down, it can be really hard not to take it personally."
He's learned to approach those moments with one simple tool: the pause.
"One of the most valuable tools I've learned is to pause when agitated. That moment gives me a chance to reset and respond instead of react," he said.
When facing his biggest trigger, he applies a crucial reframe: "In those moments, I have to remind myself: He's 4. His brain is still developing, and his reaction isn't about me."
Gurland relies on daily practices to help him stay grounded. "How I care for myself day to day plays a huge role in how I show up in those tough parenting moments. When I'm taking care of myself physically, mentally and emotionally, getting enough sleep, staying active, staying connected, I have a lot more patience and perspective," he added.
But not all anger is triggered by tantrums or everyday stress. For therapist Thomas Westenholz, the catalyst was life-altering.
"One of the hardest parts of parenting for me came when my son was diagnosed with a rare and life-limiting medical condition," he recalled. "It turned our world upside down. I felt helpless, furious and broken. I had to fight every day for his care, his life and his future. As a man, I wasn't taught what to do with those kinds of feelings. Like many dads, I'd learned to suppress or intellectualize pain, but this cracked me open."
This breaking point became Westenholz's turning point. "Therapy helped me realize that emotional regulation isn't about pushing feelings down," he said. "It's about learning how to stay with them, and not take them out on the people we love."
For dads raised by angry fathers, overwhelm carries extra weight. The challenge is learning new ways to respond when healthy examples are missing. My dad was calm, only losing his temper when his football team lost. He never directed anger at me, which made it even more frustrating when I yelled at my kids.
"The first step is recognizing that just because you were raised with a certain model does not mean you have to repeat it," explained Jenny Bradley, founder of Triangle Smart Divorce. "The most important shift is learning how to respond instead of react. That means understanding what sets you off and building tools to manage it before it spills out onto your kids."
Scott emphasizes that breaking these patterns requires intentional self-examination: "If you had an angry dad, you know the impact it can have on kids. But you also don't have another example of how to parent, so spend some time with your anger. What does it look like or feel like for you? How do you wish you handled anger, versus the ways you currently handle anger?"
When anger strikes, the most effective intervention is often surprisingly simple. "A technique that always works in the moment is just to take a break," Scott advised. "Take 10-30 minutes to calm down, regulate your nervous system, and come back to the conversation when you can do so in a way that's constructive and not aggressive."
Bradley recommends an even more immediate approach: "Stop and take five deep breaths before saying or doing anything. It creates just enough space to stop reacting and start thinking strategically."
Understanding the difference between setting boundaries and reacting in anger is crucial for fathers trying to discipline effectively. "In my opinion, a boundary is either set in advance or it's set calmly in response to a behavior," Scott said. "Discipline in anger is reactive. It's quick and it's not fully thought out; it's typically way more of an overreaction than we want to have around our kids."
Even fathers committed to change will have moments when they lose their temper. The key isn't perfection but repair. "The most important thing is to take responsibility," Bradley said. "Kids do not need perfection, but they do need honesty."
Gurland said guilt is a sign he owes his child an apology: "If I feel guilt after losing my temper, it's usually a signal that I owe my child an apology or at least an honest explanation. I'm never above doing that. I want my kids to see that adults make mistakes too, and more importantly, that we take responsibility for them."
Westenholz has made repair central to his parenting philosophy and his work as a therapist with other fathers. "That's now at the core of my work with other fathers: teaching them that it's OK to feel angry, scared or overwhelmed but the true strength is in how we respond not react. And most importantly that repair matters more than being perfect," he said.
His approach is direct: "When I mess up, I come back to my children and say: 'I'm sorry. That wasn't fair. You didn't deserve that.' Those are the moments that heal. That break the cycle."
After my waffleshot outburst, I told Charlie I shouldn't have yelled and apologized. We joke about it now. Whenever we land after a long plane trip, I ask if he wants a waffleshot. But I won't forget how I felt when my unwarranted anger led to his tears.
Many fathers struggle with emotions like anger, shame or frustration around parenting, especially if they're trying to be different from their fathers. "We all parent in reaction to the ways we were parented," Scott said.
"Having big emotions does not make you a bad parent. It makes you human. The problem is not the emotion. It is what you do with it," added Bradley.
Regulating anger isn't quick or solo. It takes awareness, practice and support. Westenholz puts it simply: "It's OK to feel angry. It's what you do next that matters most." That's the lesson I keep returning to. And it's the model I hope to pass on to my sons.