A sex therapist has urged couples to go back to basics when it comes to intimacy this Valentine's Day, or the entire night could be filled with disappointment.
Chamin Ajjan, a psychotherapist and sex therapist in New York, told the Daily Mail that looking at Valentine's Day like a giant 'relationship monument' can end up backfiring, causing many to feel pressure to please their partner and physically underperform.
'Your nervous system goes into high alert, and it can be really hard to perform in those circumstances,' Ajjan said.
To avoid disaster in the bedroom, the sex and relationship expert revealed that couples need to focus on three key must-dos: clearly communicate what you're expecting to happen, lower the pressure to impress, and get back to the basics of intimacy by kissing more.
'Just the practice of kissing your partner daily can do a lot. So, that's one of the first assignments that I give.'
Ajjan explained that many couples she counsels can't remember the last time they kissed, and some even found that simple act of affection 'weird.'
However, the psychotherapist explained that 'kissing exercises' release the feel-good brain chemicals dopamine, triggered by excitement and reward, and oxytocin, which Ajjan described as a bonding hormone.
Kissing also lowers cortisol, a stress hormone, which helps couples switch from 'teammate' to 'lover' mode by rebuilding feelings of fondness and longing.
Ajjan, who has been practicing psychotherapy and well-being coaching for over 20 years, noted that Valentine's Day raises the stakes for many when it comes to sex and intimacy.
However, she said that many lovers might expect an amazing, 'all-out' sexual experience just because it's a holiday focused on love and affection.
That's where the stress can build quickly, making it hard for one partner or both to relax and perform physically.
Ajjan explained that most people fall into one of two categories when it comes to coping with stress in their relationship: they either seek out sex more often or they completely shut down and lose all interest in having sex.
'For the people who fall into that camp where they're just not interested in sex, it can be a complete turnoff, this pressure, and then you find the other partner having these expectations, and they're not being met,' the therapist detailed.
'So I think the most important thing for couples who might fall into this trap is to lower the stakes.'
Her second must-do for Valentine's Day was to simply stop focusing on major date-night goals, such as having an incredibly romantic evening, which inevitably leads to sex.
Even if the night does lead to the bedroom, shift from the goal of having 'perfect sex' to simple, pressure-free moments like touching, hugging, or kissing. Ajjan said these acts can build feelings of safety, trust, and bonding without the urge for anything more.
Lowering the stakes on February 14 can also mean 'reframing' Valentine's Day, as Ajjan said couples can turn any day into a romantic holiday.
She advised not loading all your relationship effort into one love-specific holiday. Instead, enjoy the day without a rigid expectation that the night will end with sex, and just make space for whatever naturally happens.
'All that pressure put on one day... It's too much, and it leads to a lot of disappointment. Any day can be Valentine's Day,' Ajjan said.
With that in mind, the sex expert explained that her final must-do was for each partner to clearly communicate what they're expecting on Valentine's Day.
'I love all the candy and the chocolates and the expectations for a big romantic experience, and, you know, I often get disappointed because things fall flat,' Ajjan admitted.
Ajjan noted that a major problem couples have, especially around big holidays, is that they don't verbally express to their partner what they want and expect at certain times, leaving that person to figure it out on their own.
'If you have expectations that are unspoken, and your partner doesn't know about that, and they're not meeting the expectations, that's going to lead to conflict; it can lead to disappointment,' she explained.
Ajjan noted that even for couples early on in the dating process, one of the biggest problems she encounters is the conflict created by one or both partners setting high expectations on the relationship.
So, on Valentine's Day, she recommended that couples take it slow, use the day as a chance to reconnect, and above all else just let whatever happens in the bedroom come naturally without any stress to make it happen.