Our kingdom has its ancient feuds: red rose vs white; Protestant vs papist; the blood-curdling, fang-and-claw rivalry that has so long bifurcated the House of Miliband.
But none can match the loathing of urban officialdom for the shires.
Whitehall's pen-pushers resent the counties, envying their semi-mystic hold on residents' loyalties. Hence the Starmer government's latest, unwise proposal.
Alison McGovern, an open-faced if slightly naive minister for local government, was summoned to explain an Edward Heath-style 'local government reorganisation'. Few phrases are more boring than 'local government reorganisation'. That is why officials use it. They realised Ms McGovern would never accept a proposal called 'the dismantling of England's famed old counties'.
Ms McGovern sweetly trotted through her department's proposal. Councils in Essex, Hampshire, Norfolk, Suffolk and elsewhere would be merged.
This move, eerily evocative of the Heath government's efforts in the 1970s, would 'help to expand key towns and cities'. It would 'deliver' prosperity and 'simplify' services. Ms McGovern spoke of new councils 'operating effectively from day one'. I told you she was a Pollyanna.
Casting her happy gaze across the chamber she encountered... storm clouds. Tory knights of the shires were appalled. The shires were under attack! Sir James Cleverly, whose Braintree seat is in Essex, flew into a mighty remonstrance. He spoke of 'gross incompetence and stupidity' and 'a stitch-up'.
Ms McGovern said she was glad the Rt Hon Gentleman had worked all that off his chest.
The shires were under attack! Sir James Cleverly, whose Braintree seat is in Essex, flew into a mighty remonstrance, speaking of 'gross incompetence and stupidity', writes Quentin Letts
Sir John Whittingdale (Con, Maldon) shook his doggy chops in denunciation.
Dame Priti Patel (Con, Witham) bellowed condemnation. Sir Bernard Jenkin (Con, Harwich & N Essex) picked up his lyre and sang a lament for his historic Essex council, which pre-dated the Norman invasion and was now to be wrecked by 'this wretched, gerrymandering Labour government'. Cynewulf himself would have cheered Sir Bernard's sally. Ms McGovern, blinking a bit: 'No one could accuse him of not having an opinion. I hear what he is saying.'
Sir Edward Leigh (Con, Gainsborough), whose stalwart support for Brexit was surely based on personal memories of Danelaw, was appalled by the thought Lincolnshire might become 'Greater Lincoln'.
Sir Christopher Chope (Con, Christchurch) said his constituency had never got over being agglutinated with the improvident fleshpots of Bournemouth.
Andrew Griffith (Con, Arundel & S Downs) battled for Sussex. 'Reject the proposals of Labour, the Lib Dems and Greens to cleave our ancient county in two!' he roared.
Ms McGovern received sparse support from her own backbenchers. No doubt her civil servants told her this policy would fly through Parliament without trouble. They always say that.
The day had begun with Speaker Hoyle mourning the death, at 92, of David Winnick, Lab MP for Walsall North 1979-2017 (and Croydon South 1966-70). I remember David as a proper parliamentarian, dutiful and itchy, who would sit there in his little purple pullover day after day, year after year, happily ignoring the Whips.
I remember David as a proper parliamentarian, who would sit there in his little purple pullover day after day, year after year, happily ignoring the Whips, writes Quentin Letts
He always seemed terrifically busy, scurrying down the cloisters, his feet at ten to two, trousers flapping. He was proudly Left-wing but had no time for partisanship, as was evident when he told Labour favourite Michael 'Gorbals Mick' Martin to resign the Speakership. They don't make enough backbenchers like David Winnick.
We can also report a brutal bombing raid by Sir David Davis (Con, Goole & Pocklington). At business questions he dropped a bunker buster on one Jonathan Lofthouse, ex-boss of one of his constituency's terrible hospitals, who was sent on gardening leave on a salary of £285,000 and later left that job, only to become the NHS’s local ‘director of turnaround and recovery’.
Mr Lofthouse was therefore now in charge of ‘fixing the very failing trusts he was the cause of’, said Sir David. He suggested this was an example of public officialdom failing upwards. ‘I would cheerfully have sacked him out of hand.’
Emergency crews attending the scene of Sir David’s bombing raid said there were no survivors.