Q: My 22-year-old daughter is pregnant from a short-term relationship and she is set on an abortion. I am in despair as I want her to keep the baby and I don't believe she is thinking clearly.
She is distraught over the split and says that she doesn't want a child to be born from this sort of pain and to have a reminder of a man who treated her badly. She also says that she is too young and needs to concentrate on her career. I agree she is young, but I could offer her almost full-time help and I feel that the baby would bring such joy that she would soon forget how it began life.
I was only able to have one child - her - and I feel that she may be throwing away a precious chance to have a baby.
A: I do understand that this is heartbreaking for you. But it is very much your daughter's choice and she needs to be able to make it with your support and without pressure. Please think it through carefully.
If her ex is a bad lot, it would be very difficult for her to have to be connected to him for the rest of her life. She might not be overwhelmed by the joy you are sure she would feel, but could instead feel resentment towards the child.
I am sure that your daughter is struggling with her feelings about this as well as her distress over the break-up so please encourage her to seek support from the British Pregnancy Advisory Service (bpas.org). What she needs is impartial advice.
However, I think you might benefit from counselling for your own distress. I suspect that past miscarriages still haunt you, which is why your daughter's decision and the loss of a potential grandchild feels so painful. Visit bacp.co.uk or see your GP.
Q: I am 45 and have been in a relationship with a woman nine years younger than me for some months. She is not long out of a seven-year relationship, while I am divorced with young children. We had been taking things slowly and seeing each other only when the children are with my ex-wife. Originally I wasn't sure it would work, but I have started to fall in love with her.
However, recently, I found out that she has been in contact with her ex again. When I asked her about this, she said that they had seen each other a few times but refused to tell me anything else about it. She said that it was unreasonable to ask her who she sees or where she goes - and I don't want to be one of those men who tries to stop their partner seeing their ex or controls what she does. But I've explained to her that seeing her ex so often makes me feel uncomfortable.
She was the one who ended it and I can't help wondering if she wants him back. I don't think he knows anything about me. I fear that our relationship is over, but she says she loves me and doesn't want to end it. I would be devastated to lose her as it took me a long time to start dating again after my divorce.
A: Sadly, I fear that your girlfriend is keeping you on hold while she tries to see if her relationship with her former boyfriend can be rekindled. That is really not fair and is no way to treat someone she claims to love. She is also behaving unfairly to her ex - apparently trying to repair their relationship but secretly still seeing you and possibly having sex with both of you. I don't think this speaks well of her character. For your own sake, you really need to be the one who decides to end this relationship rather than wait for her to do so.
I wonder why you are so keen to hold on even though you know that being with this woman is damaging. I imagine the reason lies in your earlier divorce. You say that it took you a long time to be ready to date again. Perhaps that divorce was instigated by your wife. Maybe it came as a complete shock. Or was she even having an affair? If any of this is the case, it could well have depleted your confidence, which is why you are so hesitant to call time on your new relationship.
Sometimes when people divorce, they can feel cut adrift. Then they may just muddle through a series of relationships without looking at what originally happened. So I recommend that you seek counselling to rebuild your self-esteem and find a relationship that lifts you up rather than brings you down.
See relate.org.uk. Bear in mind too, that even if you did continue with the relationship, this woman might well want children further down the line, which might not be in your future plans.