Dear Bel,
Do you ever investigate how cruel wives can be to husbands, or is it a one-way street for you?
Surely you've heard of married couples where the wife cuts off any physical contact? No explanation and, if pressed, she flies into a fit of rage to end the conversation!
From a carefree, no-holds-barred, contented married life to an ice-cold relationship in the blink of an eye.
Menopause is the usual reason, even though the various ways to overcome that difficulty were dismissed out of hand.
It makes the husband feel unloved, lonely and with shattered confidence.
Try writing about that for a change!
NO NAME
(Because she'd kill me if I did!)
Hello Bel,
I am married to a lovely woman who is a great parent and housewife. We have a daughter at primary school. We got married nine years ago, just after my brother took his own life.
I was struggling to deal with the circumstances … and my wife says: 'You've never been the same since your brother died.' Duh!
The reason why I fell in love with her is because we had an awesome sex life. It really was amazing. However, she occasionally complained of having a 'dizzy head' - which always meant No Sex.
Once we were married it was a very short time before she just didn't come to bed. Watching television was an excuse for avoiding any sexual contact. I'm frustrated beyond belief.
I have bought her some extremely sexy/naughty underwear, then a vibrating device and other sex toys. But I feel like a pervert/creep to have to ask her to come to the bedroom for intimacy.
So online porn is my deeply depressing outlet. I'm so frustrated to have to ask for or suggest sex. Any ideas?
ADAM
This is the first time I've used two letters as one main problem. Mr No Name clearly believes I'm biased against men. But I have focused on male problems.
For example, on September 27, 2025, a headline was, 'I can't trust my serial cheating wife'.
Complaints about wives losing interest have cropped up over the years. So I assure you, No Name, I know problems aren't 'a one-way street'.
That's why I introduce you to Adam. But maybe you're a bit more subtle than he is, and don't think it a good idea to inflict 'naughty/sexy underwear' on your wife in the hope that red nylon crotchless knickers will act as an instant turn-on for the poor woman.
Maybe you'll even agree with me that a man admitting he only 'fell in love' because of 'awesome sex' could be rather lacking in emotional intelligence.
I shared the subject of this week's main problem with a young woman of my acquaintance, happy in a loving relationship with an equally lovely guy. She laughed as she said: 'Don't all women go off sex?'
Now, of course that's not entirely true. Plenty stay deliciously frisky and I wish them the very best in glorious love-making until they are old.
But get a small group of married women together and over the second bottle some may sigh and some giggle as they confess they'd prefer snuggling down with a gripping book instead of being gripped by a man who believes the way to a woman's heart (and elsewhere) is a pair of furry handcuffs.
One American study of young men (aged 18-25) found that they thought about sex 19 times a day. Others say every seven seconds! But never mind the statistics, because surely they depend on too many variables.
I can generalise (from life and my experience of long relationships via this column) that men want more sex and women yearn for more conversation, affection and understanding.
That disparity can lead to sadness and frustration, unless they're both on the same page of the manual.
Perhaps, No Name and Adam, you're thinking this is a new phenomenon, maybe due to rampant feminism? Not so.
Here is a little four-line poem for you, written in sixth-century Japan - or about 1,500 years ago.
'Oh yes,' she says, 'we're married,
'Very much so,' says she,
Wedging the bedclothes under her hip,
Turning her back on me.
So where do we go from here?
Maybe some women should make more effort, for the sake of love and harmony. (Don't get angry with me if you just don't want to.) And maybe some men should try loving words, shared interests and tokens of affection. (Don't get angry with me if they lead nowhere.)
What do I know? None of this is easy. But I tell you, the 'love hormone' oxytocin cannot operate at the same time as the 'stress hormone' cortisol, so if a woman senses bedtime pressure from a man full of frustrated expectation, she just won't feel like a cuddle.
Oxytocin is needed for intimacy. Think about that.
Adam, although I feel compassion for the loss of your brother and also understand that rejection can be very hard, if sex was all you were interested in, wasn't your marriage doomed from the start?
Relationships have to develop, both sides accepting the inevitable changes.
Pregnancy, the arrival of a child, monthly periods, peri-menopause … all those (and more) may change a woman's attitude to sex.
A wise man understands, makes allowances and maybe starts to realise that his whole life as a husband and father is more meaningful than his erection. And that his use of disgusting online porn will only make things worse.
Oh, and I suggest both of you play Otis Redding singing Try A Little Tenderness and take the wisdom on board.
My niece just can't let go of her grief
Dear Bel,
My sister died nine months ago. She had a daughter, whom she brought up on her own until she married her third husband.
My niece is married, with two stepchildren and I promised my sister I would look out for her after she was gone.
Looking back, when our father died my sister took it really badly. She couldn't let him go.
As a former nurse, I'm more pragmatic.
Now my niece is showing the same tendency as her mother, unable to accept that her mum was so ill that it was cruel to want her to live.
Every week she puts tributes on Facebook.
I’d sympathise if it was Christmas or a birthday, but I find the frequency disturbing.
She says she finds these tributes comforting.
She is waiting for counselling, but it could be some time.
Now her stepfather has dementia and she feels responsible for him - even though he has other family, albeit not nearby.
Her husband is lovely and patient,but I am worried that she will destroy the life she has.
I know my sister would be distraught that her daughter is going through all this.
LUCY
I understand why you are so concerned,but your niece’s acute mourning for her mother also comes as no surprise.
Spend all you have for loveliness,
Buy it and never count the cost;
For one white singing hour of peace
Count many a year of strife well lost,
And for a breath of ecstasy
Give all you have been, or could be.
There are no easy 'fixes' for grief; all the quietly consolatory phrases of bereavement counsellors sound hollow when set against the deafening wail of sorrow that fills your heart when you think of the beloved one you will never see again.
There's nothing for it but to trudge slowly through the dark tunnel, which might be long indeed, until you can raise your head and glimpse the dim light at the end.
The trouble is, some people become afflicted by what's known as pathological grief, unable to take even one plodding step forward, allowing their sorrow to take over their lives.
I'm not suggesting that is your niece's condition but I do agree that she doesn't seem to be helping herself, nor do I think that finally getting her appointment for counselling will necessarily help.
As I have been writing about bereavement since 1975 (and once won a prestigious award for doing so), I'll be frank and say that the reliance on therapy is starting to worry me. Does it really help regularly to open the wound? Is it healthy to continue memorialising every week?
Some years ago, I met a woman whose baby had been stillborn. My fellow feeling was intense; as a founder-patron of the Stillbirth and Neonatal Death Society, I was happy to talk with her for a long time.
Three years later I was glad to hear she'd had a healthy baby,but concerned she was still having weekly counselling for the stillbirth - with a living child in her arms.
If you scratch a wound you make it bleed. Your niece may find her weekly posts 'comforting' but I agree they may be tethering her to one spot in her grief process.
And it is a process; those steps towards the end of the tunnel may be slow, even unwilling, yet the momentum is essential.
Your kind niece has a husband and two stepchildren to focus on,as well as a stepfather with dementia. It is appropriate she should feel a wish to take care of him - which is surely what your sister would have wanted.
You ask for advice,which is hard to give.All I hope is that,gently,you can support her with love as she realises that taking care of the living is the greatest gift we can give to our beloved dead.