LOS ANGELES -- Sixty-four minutes after the unimaginable happened, Orion Kerkering sat in the dugout and watched six children play on the Dodger Stadium mound. It was covered now by a blue tarp. This building was almost quiet Thursday at 7:43 p.m. PT; the delirium had spilled into the parking lots, and everyone would float home not believing what they had just witnessed.
Kerkering stared straight ahead. He was alone. He is one of 23,615 men to reach the majors, the dream of every kid who ever steps on a mound. He had the ball in the 11th inning of a postseason game between two of the sport's titans with everything on the line. The 37 innings between the Phillies and Dodgers that preceded the cruelest thing that can happen to a player on a baseball field were not separated by much. But the Phillies are going home again after a failure in the National League Division Series.
Now the kids were trampling the grass in front of the mound, the very spot where Kerkering bent over as Dodgers players rushed past him after winning Game 4. It was Dodgers 2, Phillies 1, and that was the end. No one will ever forget where Kerkering threw the ball, no matter how hard some might try.
Alec Bohm and Bryson Stott put their hands on their heads. Catcher J.T. Realmuto, who had pointed for Kerkering to throw to first base for the sure out, realized his 24-year-old pitcher was alone and vulnerable. So Realmuto, an impending free-agent whose Phillies career might have ended on the bases-loaded play, rushed to his teammate's side.
As did Nick Castellanos, who sprinted in from right field.
"I understand what he's feeling," Castellanos said. "I mean, not the exact emotions. But I can see that. I didn't even have to think twice about it. That's where I needed to run to."
Kerkering, only the second player in Major League Baseball history to commit an error that ended a postseason series, did not remove his powder blue Phillies uniform and pants until 37 minutes after he threw wildly to home plate instead of first base, allowing the winning run to score. He answered questions. He held back tears. So did a bunch of his teammates as they hugged Kerkering after he faced the cameras. It was too raw, all of it.
"It really f -- king sucks right now, but I have to keep pushing to get over this hump," Kerkering said. "Keep pushing."
He got dressed. He turned a gray hat backwards. He returned to the dugout to sit alone. He put his feet at the bottom of the dugout railing. He stared at that spot in front of the mound.
"One play shouldn't define somebody's career," Kyle Schwarber had said inside the visitors clubhouse a few minutes earlier. "I've had tons of failures in my life."
So Kerkering was not alone for long. Schwarber, whose Phillies career also might have ended when Kerkering did what he did, found his teammate. He did the talking for a few minutes. Now it was 7:49 p.m., and Schwarber put his left arm around Kerkering. He patted him on the back. They would share this pain -- all of them. They would win as a team and lose as a team.
Schwarber told Kerkering to come with him. It was time to stop staring.
They left the dugout together.
Disbelief hung over the room. There were hugs and beers. There was a sense inside the Phillies clubhouse that something more than a season had ended.
"It's disappointing, but it's not about the last play," Schwarber said. "Right? It's not about that. I feel like our group, even though we were down two games (before a win in Game 3), I just felt like we had a group that has been able to overcome a lot of different things. And I felt, deep down in my heart, this was the team that was going to do it."
The shock morphed into something bigger. There was anger. The Phillies' hitters had so many chances to prevent manager Rob Thomson from turning to his presumptive Game 5 starter, Jesús Luzardo, on two days' rest in extra innings. They could have made irrelevant a blown call by home-plate umpire Mark Wegner, one that Game 4 starter Cristopher Sánchez later said Wegner apologized about, that put the eventual tying run on base in the seventh inning. They could have prevented closer Jhoan Duran from entering the game then, only to issue the first bases-loaded walk of his career.
They could have done something to ensure Kerkering never had to field the ball at his feet.
"When you're facing elimination, a single bad at-bat, they all count," Trea Turner said. "They all feel very big. Who knows what happens if you have a single here or there, get a walk here or there. Who knows what happens? So I think we all feel that. I know Kyle does. I know Bryce (Harper) does. We want to be that guy. We want to be the person up there in those situations. And we didn't get it done."
But this was a different feeling than a year ago when the Phillies lost at the same stage -- four games, in the NLDS.
"Last year felt like it hurt me even more, just because last year I think we beat ourselves," Realmuto said."This year, that club over there is very, very good."
As far as their manager was concerned, the Phillies fell short. It did not matter how it happened. He was emotional about it all.
"I can't really compare because they all feel just awful," Thomson said."I mean, when this happens, it's like your entire world comes to a stop. It's just a thud. It's just not a good feeling. It really isn't."
The clubhouse broke into small circles to commiserate. The players fixated on the quality of baseball between these teams. The Phillies' top four starting pitchers had a 2.03 ERA in 26 2/3 innings as starters and relievers in this series. The Dodgers' top four starting pitchers had a 2.28 ERA in 23 2/3 innings as starters and relievers. All eight of those pitchers combined for 58 strikeouts, 16 walks and two homers allowed in 50 1/3 innings.
It was absurd.
"That has to be one of the greatest starting pitching matchups in any postseason series ever," one prominent Phillies player said.Some players requested anonymity to speak freely about the series.They marveled at how the Phillies held perhaps the greatest hitter on the planet to one hit in 18 at-bats.Shohei Ohtani struck out nine times.He often looked lost at the plate in this series.
But, as one Phillies hitter noted, none of the starting pitchers on both sides had big misses.The only one might have been the pitch from Yoshinobu Yamamoto that Schwarber launched 455 feet in Game 3.It ignited the Phillies for a night,but nothing more.
There were no excuses that could ease the pain.But those inside the Phillies clubhouse felt this was an important distinction to make about these four games.The hitters on both sides in this series -- some of the best in the sport -- were rendered inept.The Phillies hit .212 and scored two more runs than Los Angeles over four games.The Dodgers hit .199.
That will comfort no one as the Dodgers march forward.
"I know fans are upset," Harper said."The city is upset.It’s warranted.We’re upset as well.Our daily life is Phillies baseball.This is our family in here.This is what we do.We want to win not just for ourselves,but for everybody who watches us play.So I understand what they’re going through.I’ve lost many playoff series and many games in the playoffs.And it’s just not fun.I want it more than probably a lot of people."
Kerkering first started warming up in the sixth inning, then sat down. He got up at least two more times in the bullpen after that. And, by the time he entered with runners on the corners and two outs in the 11th inning, the Dodgers had all the intel they needed. Some of it came from the club's advance report filed by scouts who followed the Phillies in September.
"He obviously doesn't pick much," Dodgers first-base coach Chris Woodward said."We knew he has trouble throwing to bases.I thought he'd go to first with it.I was shocked."
There was concern for Kerkering among the Phillies.
"I feel for him because he's putting it all on his shoulders," Thomson said.Many of his teammates protected him.
"I mean,I immediately try to find a way to blame myself,I guess,"lefty reliever Matt Strahm said."I don't know.That’s a tough spot.The one thing I can think is;if you don’t routinely practice it;how do you expect to make it happen every time?And as an older guy in the bullpen,I guess I should’ve taken it upon myself to make sure we’re doing our (pitchers’ fielding practice)."
Questions about the young reliever’s future in the organization will persist because the outside vitriol directed his way might be too much to overcome.This wasn't Mitch Williams surrendering a World Series-winning home run to Joe Carter,but Williams never threw another pitch for the Phillies after that crushing moment in 1993.Kerkering entered this season as a potential future closer for the Phillies—the type of homegrown reliever they have failed to develop.They lost trust in him,went and traded for a closer,then realized in October that Kerkering was vital to the whole thing.
They had to support him now,in this moment.
"It means a lot,"Kerkering said,holding back tears."It shows they cared a lot.So it's everything,for sure."
Realmuto and Schwarber deflected questions about it being the end of an era for Phillies.Everyone did.That was too daunting to consider this soon.All they had was each other and this collective failure that fell to Kerkering.
"Obviously,for us,it sucks,"Schwarber said."It ended up being the play that ends the game.But,for him,having total belief in himself that that’s not him.He’s going to be fine.He’s going to be better moving forward."
An hour after the season ended,as Kerkering sat watching those kids scamper around the mound,it was impossible to see the point of this dream he had.The dream they have.There must be something more than this,and it's all the Phillies will think about during the long winter ahead.