A widowed father of four says his relationship with his children's much younger au pair has caused a family rift.
In a post on Reddit's "Am I the A------" forum, the single father, 40, explained that he's been widowed for the past five years and has relied on au pairs and childminders to help provide care.
"I have always treated them well and never had any issues," he wrote.
His mother has also been a help, but he added that their relationship was more fraught.
"We have a complex relationship. She constantly gossips about me and my siblings to each other. She has done this for as long as I can remember," he said, adding that she goes to his house more than two to three times a week. He is an executive who works long hours for a medium-sized company and uses that time to go to the gym.
The man said that last December, his 24-year-old au pair "confessed she had feelings for me."
He said he rebuffed her due to their age difference and their dynamic in the home. She went away for a month and when she returned after Christmas, "things went back to normal."
"However, I confess I did develop feelings for her," he said. "In late February she said her feelings hadn't changed and in her words 'She is a grown a-- woman who knows what she wants' and the age gap doesn't bother her."
The man said he began a "discreet relationship" with the au pair, but his son and mother both found out.
"My mother suspected something too and my eldest son told her," he said. "My mother went nuclear and told all my siblings what had been going on and that my kids went to her because they were extremely upset about this. This is despite me asking her to respect my privacy and allow me to handle it my way. My mother was shouting, making insinuations about both my au pair and me."
The man said that his relationship with his siblings is now compromised.
"My siblings have all effectively cut me off and I was uninvited to my brother's housewarming after he got his new place," he wrote. "Two of my siblings have told me they are tired of the way I've been treating my mother and one accused me of being verbally aggressive to her and shouting at her, even though it was actually the other way around."
He also said that his two sons have told him that his mother "would regularly criticise me and my parenting style."
The man said his mother "wants things to go back to the way they were but I don't trust her," and need guidance. He acknowledged that people would have strong opinions about his relationship with the au pair.
Many commenters found it difficult to get past the man getting involved with not only someone much younger, but one who he employs.
"You engaged in pretty solidly inappropriate behavior with someone you employ. You know it's inappropriate, and that's why you kept it a secret. Your secret was found out and now you're deep in it," a commentator wrote, continuing, "YTA [you are the a------], of course you are. If you can't be up front about something, don't do it. You've lied to everyone and now they've found out. Good luck."
Other users also faulted the mother and believed a form of "parental alienation" was at play, given her behavior.
"What your mom is doing is called triangulation. She is managing the story (lying) to stay in control of the family dynamics," the commentator said. "She is also turning your own children against you. She is basically enmeshing them in a co-dependent or abusive relationship with her. This is what we call a toxic parent."