Kalvin Phillips can overthink. Even while securing a move to Manchester City and all the life-changing trappings that brings, Phillips was preoccupied with the potential ramifications of leaving Leeds United. He feared leaving them high and dry. He worried that possible relegation the following season would be all his fault. He didn't want supporters to think any less of him. All of this was confided to his mum, Lindsay, before the ink was dry on a six-year contract worth in excess of £150,000 a week.
That probably says a lot about the man in a number of different ways. Most of all, it paints a picture of the sort of things to have gone through his mind since joining City for £42million in 2022.
Two Premier League starts for City in four seasons. Seven minutes of football this term, at Huddersfield Town in the Carabao Cup, which involved missing training the day before because partner Ashleigh was giving birth in London. The manager publicly questioning his weight. Two loan spells: one disastrous at West Ham United, one middling to disappointing at Ipswich Town.
There lived that constant hum, the tinnitus of a failed transfer, the scale of which had become glaringly clear months in. The growing voices of public opinion would gnaw away at anybody who owns any pride. Going to train with no prospect of ever playing felt like a draining existence. Belief, confidence, self-esteem vanished. Eventually desire wasn't too far behind either.
All of it led to Phillips making contact with Patrick Bamford on Monday morning to ask what Sheffield United was like under Chris Wilder. After positive feedback, Phillips was heading over the Pennines by midday and securing a six-month loan later by tea-time. He was voted England's Player of the Year in 2021 following the run to that Wembley European Championship final and had Andrea Pirlo sending him video messages. Oxford United are the opposition on Tuesday.
In his short signing interview with the Blades, Phillips mentioned three times that being 'close to home' was a factor. 'I just want to play football,' he said. 'And enjoy myself being close to home, so Sheffield United was the perfect fit.'
He had to go somewhere. City are subsidising the vast majority of his wages and half-a-season in the Championship should put him in the shop window. Injuries put paid to a summer move, Phillips having Achilles surgery at the end of last season and wasn't back passably fit until too late into the transfer window.
He's been plagued by niggling problems ever since, suffering a calf injury and then a setback towards the end of the year. Irrespective, Pep Guardiola would never have picked him for a league squad.
Jaden Heskey, now on loan at Sheffield Wednesday, was brought on before him at Huddersfield and Phillips was an unused substitute at Swansea City in the next round of the Carabao Cup.
City have still used him for commercial events over the year and make clear that the 30-year-old has not been airbrushed. He has been training with Guardiola's squad when deemed fit enough.
Often he would be on a different schedule to his team-mates as he battled to get fully fit, changing in the first-team dressing room before heading out to do individual work. Asked if he was ready to feature immediately by Sheffield United's in-house media team, Phillips quickly shot back: 'Yep.'
And then he remembered to smile. Phillips always smiles.
Phillips knew the size of challenge that lay in wait before he arrived on City's pre-season tour of the United States in 2022. He was aware that game time would be limited given the importance of Rodri - who would go on to score the goal that sealed an historic Treble 11 months later - and was happy to play the supplementary role.
But his eyes widened during sessions in Houston. Under Marcelo Bielsa at Leeds, players spent July running. Phillips had become accustomed to that and when the balls were being zipped around the 'boxes' at lightning speed on day one, his eyes widened slightly - especially as players gently ribbed him.
The reality of the step up hit and Phillips - it is fair to say - suffered with imposter syndrome and it is interesting that he always gravitated towards the younger players in the squad. 'I know there will be times I'm pulling my hair out because it is so difficult,' he said on that tour. Never a truer word.
Weight-gate occurred just six months later and in hindsight, effectively ended his career under Guardiola. Bielsa had told City's boss that it was key to keep an eye on the midfielder's fitness - the player himself admits he enjoys his days off and is a foodie - and so Guardiola clearly had that in mind when Phillips turned up two kilogrammes over his target weight from the World Cup in 2022.
Guardiola flipped his lid. Phillips was banned from training for a couple of days and was actually back among the group by the time the manager had told the world of what had happened. The family were angry at this being made public, while Phillips himself took it on the chin. 'Going in and arguing is just not Kalvin,' says a source. 'He gets his head down and grafts. He's very respectful.'
The backdrop to this was injuries. Phillips had dislocated his shoulder in an August friendly against Barcelona and popped it back in, as medical staff had previously done with it at Leeds. There was a flare up within weeks and City made him have an operation. He'd just not been involved since joining and the months after were carefully spent working alongside FA doctors to make sure he was fit for the winter World Cup, in which he barely featured.
Phillps then went on holiday to New York and this is where there are still conflicting stories to this day. One school of thought is that he misunderstood the return date - Guardiola wanting him available for a League Cup tie with Liverpool before Christmas - and another is that Phillips disembarked the flight home and went straight to training, amid a lack of circulation and aircraft food not having digested properly.
Neither version particularly help Phillips, although Guardiola would apologise for airing what he had in a public forum when the player was loaned to West Ham a year later. With high-profile mistakes within days of signing for David Moyes and uncharacteristically swearing at baying supporters when boarding a coach after defeat by Newcastle United, Phillips was in a spin.
Ipswich Town was the next loan stop; Phillips initially finding his feet and beginning to influence games as he had at Leeds. Yet after a sending off against Leicester in early November, Phillips made just eight more league starts for Kieran McKenna, with injuries again a factor. A gash on his foot in February left him requiring stitches and unable to walk. McKenna admitted he never regained any sharpness.
West Ham was the chance to re-establish himself as an England regular; Gareth Southgate advising against going abroad to Juventus. And it vanished in a sea of negativity.
'He arrived having not played much football for the couple of seasons before,' McKenna said last May. 'If he had, he probably wouldn't have been at Ipswich this season.'
McKenna, much like Wilder now, was taking in a wounded bird. Really, Ipswich didn't have the resources for that as they fought against relegation.
West Ham was the real kicker; the chance to re-establish himself as an England regular; Gareth Southgate advising against going abroad to Juventus. And it vanished in a sea of negativity; Phillips clearly not capable of performing at the highest level after such a long spell without playing. Expectation of what he might achieve was wildly out of kilter.
It felt as if he was in this state of confusion, wondering exactly how and why it had gone so awry at City. Phillips has privately admitted that he struggled to understand Guardiola's tactical instructions in his opening weeks. He broke down in tears, phoning Bielsa, after one sub-par substitute appearance against Leicester City and had looked bereft during post-match television interviews that day. 'I was rubbish,' he reflected.
This fear about criticism and perception ate away. He even blamed himself for the injuries - wondering if he was drinking enough water. Phillips is not without fault for how his career has transpired but it is hard not to feel for somebody so well-liked to appear a shadow of their former self.