Now that Brooklyn Beckham -- excuse me, Brooklyn Peltz Beckham -- has spilled his gripes, grievances and sour grapes all over social media, his business has become, unfortunately, our business.
It's all so immature and unseemly.
Not to mention unoriginal. After all, Prince Harry did it first and did it best.
Recall Harry, then age 36, to Oprah in March 2021: 'My family literally cut me off financially.'
WAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!
Perhaps Brooklyn sought counsel on how to most effectively publicly humiliate your family of origin when he and wife Nicola Peltz hung with Harry and Meghan at a Montecito dinner party last May.
After all, Harry's got some skin in the game, having lost David and Victoria Beckham's friendship after he allegedly suspected that the couple had leaked stories about Meghan to the media.
As the Daily Mail's Katie Hind reported at the time, Harry had allegedly offered his 'unwavering support' to Brooklyn amid the eldest Beckham son's growing rift with his parents.
That was then. Now it's war. All-out, scorched-earth, DEFCON-1 level annihilation.
A sample of Brooklyn's wild, ungrammatical cri de cœur, issued -- where else? -- to his Instagram 'story'.
As social media users know, IG stories disappear. But the Internet is forever.
'My family values public promotion and endorsements above all else,' Brooklyn wrote.
If he is so scandalized, so morally offended by his family being so public, why do this?
Logic would surely dictate keeping the gory details private.
Alas.
'Brand Beckham comes first,' he continued. 'Family "love" is decided by how much you post on social media, or how quickly you drop everything to show up and pose for a family photo opp [sic], even if it's at the expense of our professional obligations.'
The question must be asked: Really, Brooklyn, what exactly are your professional obligations?
Brooklyn Beckham is a failed football player (having left Arsenal's youth academy without a scholarship); failed photographer (despite shooting for Burberry and interning for celebrity portraitist Rankin); failed model (nepotism only goes so far); failed race car driver (brief stint with Formula E); and now a terrible chef who has nonetheless launched a sake brand and a hot sauce line.
All by the ripe old age of 26.
You can't springboard off the backs of your famous parents -- who, no matter what anyone thinks of Victoria and David, have worked extremely hard for everything they've got -- and then trash the cost of doing business.
To paraphrase the late Queen Elizabeth: You're either all in or all out.
Brooklyn, regrettably, had even more to say.
'I do not want to reconcile with my family,' he wrote.
How very on-trend for 2026, with the likes of Oprah championing the brutal concept of 'going no contact' with one's parents.
Plenty of families have internal strife. Name me one that does not. But Brooklyn seems determined to succeed in the laziest, saddest competition of all: public victimhood.
His family, he says, has 'consistently disrespected' his wife, American billionaire heiress Nicola.
'My mum has repeatedly invited women from my past into our lives in ways that were clearly intended to make us both uncomfortable.'
Also: 'My mum cancelled making Nicola's dress in the eleventh hour despite how excited she was to wear her design, forcing her to urgently find a new dress.'
Really? Because British Vogue, in April 2022, profiled the new bride, writing that 'Peltz's custom wedding look is the culmination of a year's worth of conversations with Valentino... two trips to the Rome HQ and two US fittings (the head seamstresses even journeyed to Miami to make sure every detail was immaculate on the big day).'
So either Victoria cancelled her future daughter-in-law’s wedding dress at the very last minute, or Nicola worked with Valentino for a year to create the wedding dress she actually wore.
It cannot be both.
Brooklyn goes on so long, and in such detail, that one wishes he had the services of a good therapist.
Must we all be affronted with the claim that his mother, at his wedding reception, ‘danced very inappropriately on me in front of everyone’?
The implication is hardly subtle. David and Victoria must be fuming right now.
This, in my opinion, is all the source of Brooklyn’s misdirected rage.
Rage at the unfairness of it all; the impossibility of Brooklyn ever making a success of himself despite every door having been opened to him—by, of course, his parents—whom he likely both idolizes and loathes.
And that’s to say nothing of his unearned material goods.
Without Sir David, would Brooklyn possess a watch collection worth more than the average person’s house?
Please.
He boasted of owning not one but four Rolexes to Esquire magazine in 2023.
'I always keep my watches together, all ten of them, right by my bed,' he bragged. 'Whatever I'm feeling that day, I wear. It is usually the Patek' -- a gift from his father valued at approximately $200,000 on his 21st birthday -- 'just because I love that watch.'
His mother-in-law has also given him a Cartier. ‘You know, like, the old school square ones,’ he said.
Really, why bother to learn anything specific about your growing watch collection—a collection that is the province of the one percent?
That Cartier, by the way, is a gold Santos valued at around $32,000.
Cry us a river the length of the Nile, Brooklyn.
Less than 24 hours after his son's online rant, David Beckham issued an extremely well-crafted statement on CNBC, in which he appeared to obliquely refer to his ingrate son, a married man in his mid-20s, as essentially a child.
'Children are allowed to make mistakes,' he said. 'That's how they learn.'
Consider it the new 'recollections may vary' -- with much the same outcome.