How do I know? Because when we suffer heartbreak, science has discovered that we literally go through withdrawal. All that lovely dopamine dries up, and we're left with a terrible craving for the rush that romance supplied.
I watched this play out over the last month as one of my closest friends in the world went through a brutal breakup.
It was horrendous to witness. At times it felt like I was strapped into the emotional rollercoaster right alongside her, riding every dip and surge of hope and despair.
Until this morning, when I woke up to a message that simply read: 'We're back together!!'
I'll be honest, waking up to her text should have come as a complete shock.
Except it didn't.
Because I know exactly how she got him back, and it was a masterclass for anyone nursing a broken heart.
When we suffer heartbreak, science has discovered that we literally go through withdrawal
This morning, when I woke up to a message that simply read: 'We're back together!!'
In fact so desperate was he to get her back he'd booked a ticket to join her on a vacation she'd already planned. 'He's meeting us in Tokyo this weekend!' she texted. Good for you lady! I thought.
Had you told me a month ago this is how things would unfold, I would never have believed you.
In fact, I'd heard the opposite directly from him.
'Jana, this is it. We really aren't getting back together.'
I'd been trying to make him see sense, explaining that he was walking away from a genuinely good woman. Yes, I'm biased because she's my best friend, but she really is a catch.
And for the first time in my life, I believed him.
He said it with such conviction, and there was this deep exhaustion in his eyes that made me think, wow... this man is really done.
My friend had other ideas. It probably helped that she's a psychologist. Even through the tears she managed to regulate her emotions and keep herself grounded in reality rather than spiraling into panic.
Watching her navigate it all was fascinating and somewhere along the way I realised she was doing things very differently from how most people handle breakups.
So, let me share her magic formula, because caring is sharing and don't we all just want to be happily, madly in love?
The first thing she did was recognise that her nervous system was basically detoxing.
Instead of judging herself for missing him, she treated it like withdrawal and went cold turkey. She unfollowed him on Instagram. Research shows that seeing an ex online slows emotional recovery and increases distress because even a single photo can trigger a flood of memories.
After a day or two she shut her Instagram down completely for a week. It sounds dramatic, but it removed the constant temptation to check what he, and his friends, are doing. She also blocked his number for a few days, not out of anger, but because she knew she needed space to stabilize.
Then came the part most people get wrong.
She refused to wallow indefinitely.
There were tears, of course. Plenty of them. But she understood that replaying every conversation in her head wasn't going to change the outcome.
Studies show that rumination, the obsessive analyzing of what went wrong, is one of the biggest predictors of prolonged heartbreak.
So instead, we booked a weekend away in a quiet coastal town where she wouldn't run into him. She let herself feel everything properly. We talked for hours, cried a bit more, drank a few-too-many cocktails and by the time we came home there was already a subtle shift. She wasn't healed, but she wasn't drowning anymore either.
Psychologists often recommend intentional distraction early after a breakup, not as avoidance but as a way to give the brain something new to focus on.
Attention is a limited resource. When you're learning, moving, socialising, planning, your mind has less space to replay pain on a loop. So get busy.
We instantly planned another trip the following week. Something to look forward to. Something that belonged entirely to her life now and not the relationship.
Side note: there is something quite glorious about having your best friend back in full force, even if the reason is relationship chaos.
The biggest shift, though, came next. She started building a life that didn't revolve around him anymore.
For years she had subconsciously put him first. His career, his schedule, his, dare I say it, boring family traditions. Without even realizing it, she'd been orbiting his world. So she stopped.
Instead of asking him to come over and install her new security cameras, she hired someone. Instead of going to Sunday dinners with his family, she created her own tradition of hosting friends. She signed up for tennis lessons and bought clothes that were less ‘trophy wife’ and more ‘single vixen.’
And rather than cancel the holiday they were originally supposed to take together, one to a country she’s always wanted to go, she invited friends instead.
And what do you know... he got curious.
I know exactly how she got him back, and it was a masterclass for anyone nursing a broken heart
Because she 'plot twisted' him. He was expecting her to anxiously reach out, fight him on the breakup, push for them to get back together.
But for the first time in her life, she didn't. She stopped. Took the situation seriously and pivoted. It was glorious to watch.
Eventually, this man cried and booked a plane ticket across the world to see her, determined to win her back before she had even decided whether she wanted him back.
Take note, dear readers.
Because a month earlier she would have taken him back instantly. But having changed her reaction to the initial breakup made all the difference.
By the time he realized he had really stuffed up, she had space and perspective. And had learnt how to form boundaries. Praise be, she had rediscovered her own value.
And that's the part I think most people misunderstand about relationships.
The power was never in getting him back. It was in knowing she would be completely fine if she didn't.
Why do we always doubt ourselves? Annoying habit.
When you genuinely believe you'll survive without someone, you stop negotiating with your self-worth. You stop accepting crumbs. You stop shrinking yourself just to keep the connection alive.
And strangely enough, that is often the exact moment someone realises they don't want to lose you.