What to say on Mother's Day after pregnancy or baby loss

What to say on Mother's Day after pregnancy or baby loss
Source: BBC

Mother's Day, celebrated in the UK today, can provoke a range of feelings for lots of us. For some it's joy or appreciation for their mums - for some, it's the grief of having lost someone.

For families who have experienced pregnancy or baby loss, it can feel like a particularly poignant day.

"You feel like a parent, but the world might not see you as a parent because your child's not here," says Maddie Biggs, whose newborn son died in 2023. "It's a whirlwind of emotions."

So how best to support someone who has experienced this? What should you say - or, more importantly, not say to them?

In September 2023, Maddie's son Teddy was born at 29 weeks', with a condition called congenital diaphragmatic hernia (CDH).

"He had passed away at 28 minutes old. The doctor had come over and told us there was nothing more they could do," Maddie said.
"Quite quickly, they had just wrapped him up in a blanket and passed him to me like it was the most natural thing in the world. And I'm grateful for that - he is my baby and straight away, I just felt like his mother, and I was his mother."

In the wake of Teddy's death, Maddie - who's from Maldon, Essex - started posting on TikTok where she shared her experiences, thoughts, fears and emotions.

She was met with lots of supportive comments, she says, but also negativity concerning her choice to share pictures and videos of Teddy.

"It's mostly people saying that I should be grieving in private, that this - it's too personal to be sharing," she says.
"You would speak about your grandparents or parents after they passed away and speak about memories and no one would bat an eyelid if you were, it’s normal.
"But as soon as it comes to baby loss, people think it’s a taboo and you shouldn’t speak about it. And that just doesn’t sit right with me.
"Teddy’s my son and I want to talk about him, he’s always included in my family so he should be seen and spoken about and remembered."

Navigating Mother's Day, and other occasions like birthdays and Christmas since Teddy's death, has been challenging, Maddie says.

"We always find that the lead up to these days are worse, because you see everything on socials, you get the emails, you see the adverts about the occasion coming up," she said.

On special days, Maddie and her husband Michael often go to the baby loss garden at Broomfield Hospital, where they spent time with Teddy in the Blossom Suite, supported by bereavement midwives.

The family continue to remember Teddy, lighting a candle for him each night and regularly looking through the photos and videos taken by the midwives.

Last March, a couple of weeks before Mother's Day, Maddie and Michael welcomed baby Emmie. Maddie says her arrival "definitely brought some light back into our lives again".

This Mother's Day, she says she will be feeling "a mixture of emotions".

"Now Emmy’s here, I’m so grateful I get to spend these special occasions with her, but it’s always Teddy who made me a mum," Maddie says.
"He’ll always be so special in other ways - just as Emmy is special in her own ways.
"She’s kind of a sunshine in our lives again."

What to say - and what not to say - to someone who has experienced pregnancy or baby loss is vital when offering support, an Essex-based baby loss charity says.

"One of the most powerful things that somebody can do within your life is simply acknowledge your baby - send a message," says founder of Little Wings of Hope, Leila Hobart.

She set up the charity following the death of her baby Oscar, who was born at 23 weeks in 2023. It now supports families with practical and emotional care like support packs and bereavement breaks.

"We hear so often from parents who have felt that the silence is harder than hearing the wrong words," Leila says.
"If you've got a friend or somebody that you know and it's approaching Mother's Day that have lost a baby, acknowledge them.
"Tell them you're thinking about them, because they will appreciate that more than you will ever know - even if they want to navigate it quietly without celebrating."

The pain of baby loss can feel particularly deep on days like Mother's Day, which is something charity Tommy's is addressing with its "We See A Mum" campaign.

"Their grief is often made worse by the sense that no-one acknowledges or even remembers their loss, when the truth may be that people around them simply don't know what to say," said Kate Davies, the charity's associate director of information and support.
"Tommy's We See A Mum campaign recognises every mum, wherever they find themselves on their pregnancy journey - including those who have not brought home a longed-for baby.
"We've also created a conversation guide that helps those affected - as well as their family, friends and colleagues - to open up about pregnancy and baby loss.
"We know that talking about experiences of loss can help enormously in reducing feelings of isolation and despair, as Maddie has shown through the extraordinary impact of her videos about losing baby Teddy."