Overthinking? I've always done that. At school I brooded on friendships, worried about missing out and analysed every comment in my teachers' reports.
Adulthood brought no relief. I panic about being late, checking and re-checking routes. I research decisions to death, replay conversations to find mistakes no one else noticed. For years, I thought this was normal or just who I am: a bit intense, slightly annoying but ultimately harmless.
However, in the past year, overthinking has stopped being a background hum and become overwhelming. I suffered a bereavement and then left my job. Even the dog had expensive surgery. With massive decisions to make, I retreated into my head and spent hours puzzling, optimising, replaying mistakes and forecasting doom. It was painful for me and the people around me.
Mercifully, someone mentioned a new book by psychologist Dr Jessamy Hibberd, The Overthinking Cure. I was intrigued by her central thesis: overthinking is the problem, not the solution. Those who don't overthink are happier. Make yourself one of them.
Overthinking, says Dr Hibberd, amplifies distress, drains energy and damages self-worth. 'When I talk about overthinking,' she says, 'I'm thinking about worry and rumination.'
She explains this through the Buddhist parable of the second arrow. The first arrow is the painful event: loss, disappointment, misfortune. The second arrow is our reaction: questioning ourselves, replaying events, imagining worst-case scenarios. We cannot stop the first arrow, but we can avoid shooting ourselves with the second.
Dr Hibberd outlines seven overthinking styles: the Dweller replays setbacks endlessly. The Interrogator asks 'Why?' or 'What?' The Catastrophiser imagines worst-case scenarios. The Wobbler obsesses over decisions. The Over-Analyser replays conversations. The Victim obsesses over perceived wrongs. The Overwhelmed jumps from problem to problem.
You may be a combination of these types. I ask my husband to describe my overthinking, which he has watched for more than 30 years. I was surprised by how frustrating he finds it. 'The thing is,' he said with a sigh, 'you just go round in circles. I can tell you something reassuring... but then you're right back in it again. It's an endless loop.'
That loop can attach itself to almost anything, however trivial. For me, it recently latched on to a suitcase. Some people may check in their bag at the airport and feel utter confidence it will appear on the carousel at the other end. I am not one of those people.
To curb my anxiety, I bought an AirTag, which you can track on your phone. I spent hours researching whether it was even safe to use one. Might the airline take exception and destroy my bag? Having reassured myself - sort of - I slipped the tag into a sock and checked in the suitcase. Just before taxiing on to the runway, my phone beeped. My bag was apparently still in the terminal building. So I did something laughable: I got up and asked the steward if all the bags had definitely been loaded. 'Absolutely!' he said cheerfully. I went back to my seat, reassured - until I realised, of course he'd say that regardless.
Three hours later, after a flight spent mentally replacing all my precious clothes, I stood at the carousel. Anxious minutes passed. Then my bag appeared, jauntily riding the conveyor belt. What a saga: unnecessary and exhausting.
Dr Hibberd reassures me that this is common. 'When something big happens [bereavement, redundancy, illness] it shatters your idea of how life works,' she explains. 'Your brain keeps going over things because it's trying to make sense of them. That's a problem when our mood is low. You may start asking yourself things like, "What's wrong with me?", "Why do I feel like this?"' This can send us into a doom spiral.
Overthinking can be an attempt to feel better. 'It's trying to get life pinned down,' says Dr Hibberd. 'But it often has the opposite effect, because you can't control everything.'
ALWAYS REMEMBER...
- Overthinking is the problem, not the solution. You can't think your way out of a negative feeling.
- Choose your reality. Thoughts and feelings aren't facts.
- Never overthink things when you're feeling bad.
- Get out of your head and into the world. And get off your phone!
- There's no right decision. Make the best of whatever decision you take.
- Zoom out to find perspective and think about yourself less.
- Is this issue worth your time and energy? If not, let it go.
- Live your life. Don't compare it with other people's lives.
- Reset expectations - then you're free to enjoy things as they are, rather than as you think they should be.
- Life isn't under your control, and we can never be 100 per cent certain.
- Action is the antidote to overthinking. It's never as bad as you fear.
Attempting to escape reality by going online can make things worse. 'Social media makes it easy to compare yourself to others and feel like you're not doing as well.' She's done that herself: 'I've got a work Instagram account and can't help looking at how brilliantly other people are doing, thinking I could never do it as well.' She caught herself spiralling. 'I have to consciously rein it back in and remind myself that this is an illusion my mind has conjured up to make me feel bad.'
Worse, phones enforce stillness: 'When your brain is on a negative track, do something to distract yourself for at least eight minutes.' Go for a walk, play a musical instrument, listen to an engaging podcast, do the washing up.
This all sounds sensible, but I foresee a major difficulty: how to catch myself? 'Step one is noticing,' Dr Hibberd agrees. 'Then it's choosing a different response.' One of the hardest lessons is learning to tolerate uncertainty and not fall into black and white thinking: 'Things are either good or bad - everything's going really well or it's all gone wrong. Life is never that simple. There are always shades of grey.'
Most of us find that hard. Overthinking narrows our focus, shaping what we look for and exaggerating what may not even be true. Dr Hibberd recommends starting a diary. Write it all down, and you'll find that most things you fear don't happen. In studies she cites, 85 per cent of anticipated worries did not come true, and of the 15 per cent that did, the vast majority of people coped better than expected.
Take action. 'You don't need to know everything before you act,' she says. 'Accept that uncertainty is inevitable. There is no perfect route through life. You made the best decision you could with the information you had at the time.'
Practise gratitude, she says. 'Do not underestimate the difference it can make. Gratitude changes how we perceive situations by adjusting our focus to what's important in our lives so we appreciate what we have.'
After our conversation, I notice how quickly my thinking tips from reflection into rumination, and a passing feeling becomes an intellectual problem to be fixed. I write things down and look back later, surprised by how little of what I feared has happened.
My life hasn't, magically, been transformed. I still feel the urge to replay events over and over. But the loop doesn't always tighten. Sometimes, just sometimes, I catch myself. And that feels like a win.
The Overthinking Cure by Dr Jessamy Hibberd is published by Octopus, £16.99.