We've all been there: you've been dating someone for a while, it's all going well, and suddenly something puts you off. We don't mean something big, like their views of family or career or politics. This something is often tiny: their laugh, how they tie their shoes, even how they sneeze.
Thanks to good old Love Island, this phenomenon is widely known as 'the ick': a feeling of general revulsion towards a romantic partner, brought on by some random quirk of theirs. But what's the psychology behind the ick, why does it happen so randomly and, most importantly, can you ever reverse it and get a relationship back on track?
We asked Claire Rénier, dating expert at real-life dating app happn, to explain exactly what the ick is, and what it means for both a relationship and our own emotional health. Keep reading for her professional take on how to stave off that yucky feeling and how to salvage a relationship that's currently got you feeling 'EWW'.
How would a dating expert define 'the ick'?
'An ick is often an abrupt feeling of disgust that pops up toward someone you're dating,' Rénier explains. 'It's often your mind's way of flagging something that feels off, whether this is physically, emotionally or socially.'
While it might feel annoying, it perhaps has a deeper, evolutionary use. 'In some cases,' Rénier says, 'an ick could point towards something evolutionary, by acting as a subconscious signal that someone might have poor health or habits.' For example, someone picking at their dirty fingernails while eating might trigger your brain to think: 'Wow, he's not going to be a fit and healthy partner.'
The real issue is that sometimes, you can get the ick from trivial details that have nothing to do with the person's behaviour but still reduce our attraction towards them. 'In this case it's usually less about them and more about your own unconscious relationship anxiety, avoidance, or even projection,' Rénier warns.
Why does the ick seem to come on so rapidly?
For most people, the ick coincides with their relationship becoming more serious or comfortable. As Rénier explains: 'After the honeymoon period of a relationship has worn off, it's common for habits that we'd previously found charming to quickly become annoying or repulsive.'
'As you spend more time with a partner, the things that you had previously missed or purposefully ignored become more obvious,' she adds. 'Sometimes, we build up a perfect image of our new partner in our head, forgetting that everyone is human! A relationship involves getting to know each other's strengths and flaws, but it's easy to become overly critical once reality has set in.'
Why is the ick more common now than in other generations?
Spoiler: it's not! 'People have always gotten the ick at some point,' Rénier points out; it's just that modern circumstances mean our generation takes it more seriously.
'Modern dating means that we have more freedom to choose someone else,' Rénier explains; 'not to mention we now have a term to describe any sudden turn-offs.'
'Twenty years ago, the combination of social pressure and a smaller dating pool encouraged people to work through or ignore minor irritations. Today, the language of "the ick" gives us a label for a feeling that used to be dismissed as just being picky.'
'There are more options now than ever before in modern dating, which can make us less willing to "settle" or put up with icks when there could be someone better out there,' Rénier concludes. Basically, your grandparents were probably icked out some of each other's habits, but given they we're encouraged to seek out perfection, they pushed through it. Who knew?!
What are the most common icks you hear from clients?
Where to begin. According to Rénier, the ick can be sparked by almost anything - but there are a few repeat offenders that crop up time and time again.
Think being too keen too soon (we're talking grand gestures before you've even learnt their middle name), questionable table manners (mouth open, full volume), and social media behaviour that makes you want to quietly pass away (oversharing, cringe captions, relentless thirst traps).
Then there’s the big one: a lack of self-awareness in public. The person who’s just a bit too loud, too performative, too convinced, too sure everybody wants to know their business, too assured they’re the main character in every room. None of it is technically a dealbreaker… and yet, suddenly, you can’t look at them the same way again.
How can you tell the difference between a genuine incompatibility and a trivial turn-off?
'We're all guilty of being overly critical in the early stages of a relationship,' Rénier says. 'Genuine incompatibilities usually involve values, life goals, or fundamental relationship needs - such as whether you want kids or different financial attitudes.'
'An ick is a bit more trivial and focuses more on stylistic preferences from how they eat their food to how tuck in their clothes,' she explains. 'It's more superficial, and less of a death knell to a relationship than having genuinely incompatible wants or desires.'
'You can learn to look past an ick, but it all depends on your mindset towards it,' says Renier.
Is it actually possible to reverse the ick once it's set in?
This is the biggie, and Rénier's advice is firm. 'You can learn to look past an ick, but it all depends on your mindset towards it,' she says. 'But if you continue to fixate on how repulsed you are by an ick, then it's likely that you'll begin to find even more icks that annoy you.
'Instead of judging their quirks, you can reverse an ick by reminding yourself that everyone has awkward character traits and that loving someone often means accepting them. Looking past an ick is only possible if it doesn't represent an underlying incompatibility.'
And if it really is just a superficial niggle? 'If it's something you can work through, reminding yourself of everything else that attracted you to your crush can make it easier to reverse the ick.'
Should you tell your partner you've got the ick?
It's natural to pull away when you feel doubt kicking in. But as Rénier says: 'Creating too much distance can make it harder to have a conversation with them about how you feel and whether anything needs to be adjusted in your relationship.
'Spending too much time away from your partner can also make you forget all the good things about your relationship and instead make you focus on the habits that are putting you off.'
When it comes to actually saying the words out loud, tread carefully. 'A healthy relationship should include a balance of accepting your partner for who they are while also challenging them to be a better version of themselves,' Rénier explains. 'There's little point in telling your partner that you get the ick from something they can't change or that isn't harming your relationship, such as their laugh or a style of dressing that's simply not to your taste.'
And perhaps don't use the word itself. 'Using the word "ick" is likely to hurt their feelings particularly because it's become such a loaded term,' she says. 'However if you've identified a pattern of behaviour they can grow from - like always being late - it's worth having an open honest conversation and explaining that you're raising it because you care about them and want to strengthen the relationship.'
How long should you sit with the feeling before acting on it?
'If you genuinely believe that you're compatible with the person you're dating outside of this particular ick, it's best to give it a couple of weeks before making a decision on whether the relationship can continue,' Rénier says.
'It's important to remember that feelings can come in ebbs and flows in a relationship,' she explains. 'One day you might be annoyed by the way your partner chews, and the next you're reminded of why you fell for them. People's behaviour can also change depending on their circumstances, so something that's bothering you now may not even exist in a couple of days.'
But if it's lingering? 'If it's been a couple of weeks and you still feel repulsed every time they touch you, it might be time to admit that the chemistry has simply run its course.'