I made a mortifying mistake at dinner and worry I have ruined my relationship with my family irreparably.
We were at our annual holiday gathering with our extended family - cousins, aunts, uncles and beyond - and the drinks were flowing.
Everyone was fawning over my mother about her recent weight loss. She has shed 50lbs this year and the family was just dying to know how she did it.
As she grabbed a measly slice of meat and a humble helping of potatoes - pushing it around her plate instead of eating it - I grew increasingly annoyed by her remarks.
She was preaching to the whole table how all it takes to shed weight is a bit of willpower, scolding me as I went up for seconds, then a slice of pie. Diet and exercise, she added, were key to her new figure and we'd all be wise to heed her advice.
Three glasses of wine into the night, I had heard enough.
I stood up at the table and boldly declared: 'How would you know? You're on Ozempic.'
The whole room gasped. Some people choked on their drinks. My husband, seated next to me, was mortified on my behalf. I just felt drunkenly smug, while my mom was stunned into silence.
The revelation made the rest of the evening so awkward, but I didn't realize what the fallout would truly be until several days passed without any word from my mom.
She still has not spoken to me and she won't answer my texts or calls, despite my telling her that I'd like to apologize.
The truth is, while I do feel guilty that I outed her secret (and humiliated at the way I did so), I honestly don't feel that bad. She was being cruel and I feel that I also deserve an apology.
How do I have a conversation about what happened?
Sincerely,
Dinner debacle
Dear Dinner debacle,
This is a tough situation, and a timely reminder for everyone that alcohol is rarely the answer when we find ourselves in triggering situations. For many of us, there is no greater one than the holiday season when we are surrounded by family.
Sober, you might have felt exactly the same, but it's unlikely you would have blurted it out the way you did.
It's easy to blame the alcohol, but it sounds like you're carrying resentment against your mother. When that is left to fester, it often comes out in what looks like an unprovoked attack, but is really the result of years of staying silent and putting up with bad behavior.
Although you have tried to apologize, you say that you don't feel bad, and even that you deserve an apology.
But it was your behavior that blew everything up and I'm not sure that demanding an apology is going to be helpful.
Anyone taking medication for any reason has the right to privacy around it. They don't have to disclose it, and it is not anyone else's job to do so for them. This was not your secret to share.
It's right that you apologize, but you have to detach from how your mother reacts or whether it will achieve what you want.
Given that she won't talk to you, my suggestion is to write to her. Do not accuse her of anything; focus only on what you have told me - that you feel guilty and humiliated, and you hope she can forgive you and talk when she is ready.
If and when she does approach you, do not bring the kitchen sink to the conversation. Keep it very clearly in the present, focusing on what you did wrong not how badly you thought she was behaving.
I also strongly suggest you seek some therapy to deal with issues that you are carrying with your mother.
She may be too old and too set in her ways to fix how she treats you. However, you can learn how to cope with it and set boundaries.
In this case, perhaps you could have spoken up earlier, saying calmly that no one was comfortable hearing her comments about weight or what they choose to eat and kindly asking her to stop.
Setting boundaries is always hard, particularly with our parents, but it will pave the way to a more peaceful relationship with your mom.