On Monday, I woke up feeling... let's just say, a bit randy.
So I opened my bedside drawer, grabbed my trusty buzz-buzz contraption, picked up my phone and went to my favourite saucy website for ten minutes of 'me time'.
But there was a hitch.
I was locked out.
Excuse me?
I was prompted to sign in to this particular site, but I had never actually signed up before because, you know... how embarrassing.
Okay, I'll admit it. It was Pornhub. A one-stop shop for all your orgasm needs.
And that's when I remembered: Australia has just put a new ban in place to stop underage kids getting their sex education in a far-too-adult place.
'At first, I'll admit, I wondered if our government had gone a step too far. But then I spoke to a friend who's a high school teacher, and she put it all into perspective,' writes Jana Hocking
Dang.
But wait... it gets worse.
As I swallowed my pride and tried to sign up, I was met with a notification stating: 'Pornhub is not currently accepting new account registrations in your region.'
Now, it's one thing to be refused entry to a nightclub after a few drinks. Fair call. But to be locked out of my favourite porn site? Outrageous.
I was still feeling a touch needy, and without a man in sight, I was forced to use my imagination. Sheesh, I hadn't had to rely on that in quite a while. I much prefer something of a more visual nature.
So why has Pornhub pulled out of the Australian market altogether, when the only new rule is that porn sites must introduce proper age restrictions?
Well, it turns out the government now requires more than just a simple 'tick the box if you are over 18' call to action.
Websites must now use real age-verification technology. If they don't comply, they face massive fines of up to $49.5million per breach.
And this technology is asking a lot from its subscribers.
Users may have to verify their age using facial scans, photo ID like a passport or driver's licence, credit-card checks, digital ID, or even AI technology that estimates someone's age based on their online behaviour.
That's enough to make anyone go limp.
Which explains why I couldn't log on. Major platforms including Pornhub, RedTube, YouPorn and Tube8 are now restricting access rather than implementing these verification systems.
Basically, they've put Australia in the 'too hard' basket. Pardon the pun.
At first, I'll admit, I wondered if our government had gone a step too far.
But then I spoke to a friend who's a high school teacher, and she put it all into perspective.
I've never changed my mind so fast.
She explained that, unlike our generation - who endured awkward 'birds and the bees' talks with parents - kids today are learning about sex from hardcore porn sites and believing that's how normal people have sex.
The spanking, the spitting, the choking, the degradation - all of it. Imagine having your sex life corrupted before it has even really begun.
I still remember vividly the first time I got a glimpse of porn. It was at a friend's 15th birthday party. One of the lads had got hold of his dad's VHS copy of the Pammy and Tommy Lee sex tape, so we ran downstairs to the lounge room and popped it on.
There were lots of giggles and I was fascinated. I still vividly remember a moment where Tommy Lee holds his giant pecker and uses it to beep the car horn.
What a talent.
But in terms of porn, it was actually quite tame and, dare I say it... sweet. A couple in love, on their honeymoon, having a jolly good time.
But it's safe to say the porn algorithms are no longer serving up that type of content anymore. These days, it's far more extreme.
And that, my teacher friend told me, is the real problem with teenagers seeing it. Their curious minds assume that the more hardcore side of things is simply how people have sex.
Shockingly, she said there are teenage girls in her school who have given fellatio before they've even had their first kiss.
It makes my pashing behind the bike sheds look positively nun-like.
My teacher friend also told me that rumours about what teenagers were getting up to became so rampant they had to organise a teacher-parent meeting, urging parents to put tighter internet restrictions on their kids' phones and home computers.
All in a bid to stop them seeing, and then re-enacting, such degrading behaviour.
However, I've heard teenagers are already bypassing the new ban by downloading VPNs.
For those unfamiliar, VPN apps let users appear as if they're browsing from another country.
Some VPNs quickly became top downloads on Apple's App Store within days of the new rules - the exact same thing happened when the UK introduced similar laws.
So while the rules may protect younger users, tech-savvy adults (and teenagers) can - and will - bypass them.
The average child first sees porn between the ages of 11 and 13 in many Western countries.
What's more concerning is that studies have found nearly nine in ten porn scenes contain physical aggression, and that aggression is usually directed toward women.
Research has linked porn exposure to an increased acceptance of choking during sex, pressure on girls to perform certain acts, and unrealistic expectations of bodies and stamina.
And my teacher friend backs that up.
She says not only has she witnessed an increase in wildly inappropriate sexual behaviour from the students she teaches, but also a rise in bulimia and anorexia.
Impressionable teenagers are looking at the women in porn and wondering why their bodies don't look the same.
What they don't see is the plastic surgery and clever lighting that goes into those videos.
When a generation learns about intimacy from algorithm-driven porn sites rather than awkward classroom demonstrations with bananas and condoms, it's hardly surprising expectations have become warped.
Australia is finally trying to put the genie back in the bottle - and I'm all for it.
Yes, some will grumble about nanny-state laws, but the bigger picture matters.
Teenagers deserve a chance at growing up with a little innocence.
Keep the ban.